roosterspur bridge...

when it falls apart....

2008-05-18T18:01:00.000-07:00

YEAH, i have slept a lot, and layed around a lot. i slept til almost 11 this morning - prolly b/c it took me so long to fall asleep... it was at least 1am or later, and then i had to get up and pee a million times.... i started my period last thursday, so i know i'm not pregnant... i say this b/c the last time i had to pee so much in the middle of the night was when i was pregnant. anyway, then i took a nap on the the couch from 2-4pm. my husband went upstairs and did some laundry and cleaned the bathtub and let me sleep. it was nice. then we had chinese for dinner and watched uncle buck. i love john candy. it's too bad he's dead.

i decided last night when i got my boss (at corporate)'s answering machine and went back downstairs to my husband, that he didn't fully understand how i felt about all of this. really, it just feels like a re-occuring let down. so, screaming (so loudly i scared the dog - so much that she crawled under the guest room bed) and crying, i reminded him that over the past year i have gotten my hopes up over and over again, just to have everything fall apart in my face. first, we were going to have a baby, and then we weren't. then, just when i thought we might never get pregnant again, we did, and we were going to have another baby... and everyone "had good feelings about this one," but then we lost that one too. then gears changed to work, and HR was going to send me someone permanently to fill the position.... but she was BRAND NEW and sucked and was way more trouble than she was worth... yet another let down.... but this newest one... i really thought things were finally, FINALLY going to come together. i thought that i had FINALLY dealt with enough. that my break was overdue and was on it's way. i feel like i should not have high expectations ever again.

i should be grateful. i have a wonderful husband, a beautiful house, the capability to pay my bills.... but work has become a huge burden, and is affecting my sanity. i am constantly worrying about it. i think it is affecting me emotionally, possibly physically - and i wonder if that has something with my inability to sustain a fetus past 7 weeks. it's not like i work in social work - like i ahd intended to from the start - nine years ago - where it would be likely that i would "take my problems home" with me.... it's just a grocery store. IT'S JUST A GROCERY STORE. it's not crack-addicted babies. it's not homeless children. it's not disabled veterans. it's just counting money and smiling in the faces of whiny, bitchy old people. it's not hard. i just need a break. now, i fear that i will NEVER get that break. i feel let down by the company. i feel disregarded. all of the work i have done over the past five months has been over-looked entirely.

i am okay. i have no choice but to be. but i'm not happy about it. all i can hope for is that my GM will fight for me now. sadly, i think he's all i've got.

i thought very seriously about going back to school last night for interior design.... that's what i've really, really always wanted to do anyway. hmph.

the long-lost blog...

2008-05-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling purple today.

wow, it's been entirely too long since i last blogged.... just like every diary i've ever had in my life.... full for the first couple of pages, and then forgotten. so much has happened. lots of difficult things. a few revelations along the way....

so, since october, which seems SO long ago, we got pregnant... were about 6 weeks along at christmas - and told the family on christmas - and then went in for the 10 week ultrasound on january 15th to find out that the baby was dead. that, in fact, it had been dead for three weeks and was just hanging out in my uterus.... we were devastated, of course.

but, the thing is, we weren't as devastated as i thought we would be, or at least i wasn't.... ever since i found out we were pregnant again, i had a very hard time being excited about it. i was constantly afraid that there was something wrong. i was paranoid every minute. i refused to get too excited about it because i was so sure that we would be let down. again.... man, of all the times to be right about something. i never wanted to be right.

so, then after the the ultrasound i had to wait 9 days to have the d&c - and have the dead fetus and tissues removed from my uterus. it was terrible. the whole 9 days all i could do was be grossed out. i didn't let myself really grieve. all i could think was that there was something dead inside of me - and i wanted it out. i was very anxious about getting it out of my body. i imagined it decomposing and rotting. my boss reminded me that it was made of my own tissues and that it was part of me to try to encourage me not to be grossed-out, but it didn't really work. i mean, i knew what she said was the truth, but i still felt the morbid, gross feelings. i think it was my defense. i think that thinking the baby was "gross" was easier that thinking about the loss.

to make things worse, right when we found out the baby was dead, and august 14th would have no special meaning... my company sent me a replacement for the girl that left... a replacement that was totally green and knew nothing about the type of work we do. great. so then i had to train a brand new person all by myself while dealing with the most horrifying and confusing personal situation i had ever had to deal with.... thanks guys.

i was sure there was something terribly wrong with me... i had not really grieved for the baby (or myself, or my husband). i had cried twice - both on the day of the ultrasound. and, since beginning the training with the new girl, i had absolutely no patience. none. i wanted to scream all the time. i was screaming inside my head instead. i wanted to throw things. one day i even threw my cell phone because it lost signal. i never have temper tantrums like that. i never throw things. i was sure it was stored up grief, and that going to a therapist would pull it all out..... wrong.

i went to three sessions to find out that someone else thought i was a strong person with "too much on my plate." i feel like everyone's mother, which is a bit cruel since that's the one thing i want and can't seem to have right now. sometimes i get tired of being the responsible one. the one that can handle or take care of anything. the one that can figure anything out.... sometimes i want to relinquish all of that and just relax. but, then when i think about not being that person, with all of it's stress and bullshit, i feel a little lost. what would my purpose be if not that? ever since i was a little kid i took care of everyone - beginning with my mother. what a vicious circle.

the therapist assured me that everyone grieves in different ways. that i may break down at some point in the future, or never at all. that i may have already gone through the bulk of the grieving, but was too overwhelmed to recognize it. she thinks i'm healthy. i am still not sure.

the extreme tension and lack of patience eased up a little once the new girl started to learn more. she still needs a lot of improvement, even now. it's been almost four months. at least two months too long, in my opinion. the bad part (or maybe the good part?) is that i like her. i think she means to do well and wants to excel, but she just doesn't possess the skill set needed to do well in this job. she doesn't think things through very well. she makes stupid mistakes because she's not effectively proofreading her work, and then doesn't understand what she's done wrong. and she's terribly inconsistent - "consistently inconsistent" as i recently told my manager... one day she seems to understand some new concepts and handles the work okay... and then the next day she reverts back a week and doesn't understand basic concepts. i try not to let it stress me out, but it's getting harder every day.

in the midst of all of this, my niece was born in december and my father-in-law had successful cancer surgery in march... so those things are good.

my brother-in-law (in the navy) shipped out in february and is expected back in july. he's been on an uneventful tour so far, thankfully. he jokes that instead of fighting the war on terrorism, he's fighting the war on "tourism." he's always sending us pictures of beautiful places in europe where his ship has ported. here's malta (my fave so far):

and, in april, my dad and i finally went down to south carolina to visit my grandmother, who is not doing well at all. the alzheimer's has finally won her body as well as her mind. i don't think she has much longer to go... she'll be 87 the end of this month. it's hard to see her that way. her fingernails are not painted pink.

while we were in SC we were supposed to meet up with my uncle - my dad's brother... well, he didn't make it up from georgia because of supposed car troubles.... i did talk to him on the phone though. i hadn't seen or talked to him in 14 years. it was nice to talk to him and tell him about my life. i sent him a letter and some pictures when we got back home, but i haven't heard back from him. i don't really expect to. that's sad.

i was also spurred on to e-mail my dad's other brother. he e-mailed me briefly - to tell me he would e-mail me later... i haven't heard from him either. i have stopped looking for his e-mail.

i used to be best friends with this girl in elementary school. in middle school we got into a fight over a boy. we were never really friends again. in elementary school, her dad was murdered. three years ago her sister was killed in a car accident. i have become obsessed with reconnecting with this old friend. i miss her and the relationship we had so long ago. i have always regretted the initial argument and wished i had been able to really make amends then. i am curious about her and her life. she's a scientist. i wrote her an e-mail. she wrote back that she's busy and will e-mail me when she gets a chance.... familiar brush-off. after working at my current location for a year, i realized that her father and sister are buried in the cemetery i pass on the way to work every day. i walked the entire cemetery until i found them. i visit them often. she was in town this week. i went to the cemetery today and noticed some freshly wilted flowers. i touched the ribbon because i knew she had. i had a dream last night that we talked... that i saw her. that i was in her apartment. just before i told her that i had been visiting her father's and sister's graves, i woke up. i went to the cemetery today to tell her sister about my dream. am i going crazy?

why do i need everyone that doesn't want me to need them? those that don't need me....

one of my employees became a grandmother february 3rd - the day i was originally supposed to become a mother...

one of my other part-time employees is pregnant. she's 17. she a junior in high school. she's almost 6 months along - due in september. i worry about her baby boy every day.

last week some friends of ours lost their baby. the fetus was 6 months. mom (who lives next door to them) had been afraid to tell me they were pregnant because she was afraid it would hurt my feelings that they were having a baby, and we weren't. i wasn't hurt - only scared for them. scared that they would end up miscarrying, like us, and be so... broken. now their baby is dead, and it's terrible. they found out just the week before that it was a boy. he was stillborn the sunday before mother's day. my worst nightmare. i am actually thankful that we miscarried early both times and didn't have to deal with that.

too many babies all around me.

i guess i'm stronger. or maybe just more cynical.

i'm better. my husband and i are still trying to get pregnant, but without so much pressure. we are actually having sex other than when i'm ovulating... which is different from the past year....

i'm trying to leave work at work. i cringe when the phone rings though.

i'm looking forward to next october. we have booked five nights at our favorite bed & breakfast on the outer banks of north carolina. last year, it was closed because they intended to sell the property, but they have not been successful due to the terrible real estate market and are accepting reservations again. yeah! but, the b&b is still on the market, so this may be out last time visiting... oh well, at least we've go this time. it will be wonderful.

more later. sooner than later, hopefully....

it's been a while.

2007-10-17T13:40:00.000-07:00

so, it's over a month since i last blogged. i have thought often of writing, but either i was exhausted, or busy, or not home. blogging is healthy for me, so those are bad excuses.

so much has happened:

i went to philadelphia to visit my cousin and baby cousin. the solo drive up was challenging b/c of the traffic, and i got lost in the city trying to find their apartment, but i really had a great time. my cousin is as beautiful and strong as i remember her to be - maybe more so. and i fell IN LOVE with the baby! she's almost three, so she's not really a "baby," but.... she's so damn smart. and she absolutely beautiful. we went out and my cousin showed me her new town. i got some great pictures - both of family and philly. i had an authentic philly cheese steak - it was huge!

here are the morning glories that stay open all day on the fence of the church across from their apartment.

and this is a mural on south street...

and close up on my favorite part, the jungle cat:

of course, this cousin i speak of is actually the ex-wife of my biological cousin. i learned more about his actions, and in-actions when it came to being a husband and father... friend... human being. i saw a video from when my baby cousin was really little. he was different. loving. sweet. it just breaks my heart that he is missing out on so much joy and beauty - that he helped to create. and the realization that he may never change.... either way, my baby cousin has a wonderful mother, and an incredible male figure to look up to and learn from (the boyfriend), and lots of people that love her and she always will. she will want for nothing.

let's see... the following weekend we went to DC (maryland, actually) to see the redskins play the detroit lions @ fed-ex field. the walk from the car to the stadium (and back) was long, and the walk up to our seats (the second row from the top) was also long... just being there was pretty incredible - i'd never been to an NFL game before. but, i was torn b/w the teams - my dad grew up in DC and my husband was born right outside of detroit... and i've been conditioned to cheer for his teams over the past seven years. i didn't know when to be excited. plus, the game wasn't close at all - the skins killed the lions - and i have a hard time enjoying a predictable game. the experience was cool, but i think i'll probably stay home the next time.

then, last week, my husband and i went to the outer banks for our anniversary. we've been married for four years now. to ruin a vacation, my period started as soon as we got there. (confirming that i am not pregnant, of course.) the weather was great - a little crisp - just how we like it. the hotel was nice - not like where we stayed for our honeymoon, but nice. the food was great at all the restaurants we ate at. (the black pelican didn't have crab bisque, which was disappointing.) i got some great pictures of the beach, sunsets, sunrises, and the view from atop the currituck lighthouse. we slept a lot too, which we both needed. it was relaxing, but it could have been better if i hadn't been plagued with my menstrual cycle. such is life. my life anyway.

sunrise on the atlantic

work has been hellish. i have done nothing but try to catch up from being gone the end of last week. i need another vacation. i have developed a nasty knot on the back of my head, as of this morning. maybe it's a tumor.

to breathe.

2007-09-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

this week has been a little hellish.... i'm sure it has been worsened by the fact that i was PMSing like a bitch.... and until yesterday, hoping against hope that i was pregnant. but, alas, i am not. i really didn't think that i was, but... anyway....

upon the suggestion of a great friend, i am reading another sark book about being succulent. succulent seems like such a funny way of describing a person. sark suggests to do things like eat a mango naked and let the juice dribble down your arms. i sat and read the first twenty pages or so, and already all i can think is: i am too rigid. twenty pages of self therapy renders me rigid. it's true. i am. selectively tho. too much so in many respects, but not enough in others.... something to work on.

i'm relieved that i don't have to go to work tomorrow. or sunday. it's been such a kick ass week at work. i really needed the break. the only downfall is that i'm sure i will be on the phone a good part of the morning talking my counterpart thru her work. that's okay tho. that's what i get paid for, i suppose. and, it's better than having to get up at 4:30am for the sixth time in a row to go to work. i can sleep til at least 8:00am. i am grateful. actually.

at 11:00am i have a massage scheduled. it's only a mini-massage, but it should be devine anyway. i'm so tense i can hardly stand it. plus, i've worked damn hard this week and i deserve it - no matter how self-indulgent it seems. according to sark, i'm supposed to be indulgent. so, her advise is my excuse. there.

i leave for philly in two weeks. i'm very excited to go on this trip, tho it will be short! i'm going for the weekend to visit with my cousin and her daughter, of which i haven't met yet! my cousin, actually ex-cousin-in-law, is excited too and can't wait to show me around her new town. i'm ready for the adventure. and, i think, other than my beach trip last month with my friend, this is my first roadtrip without my husband. don't get me wrong, i love him, and i will miss his company, but i am glad to be doing this on my own, and i know i will have a better time there without him. only because i can focus more on the relationships i'm going to be building with my cousin and little almost-three-year-old (second) cousin. if my husband was there, i'd be worried about whether he was having a good time, etc. i wish i was on the road right now. fourteen days....

my friend sent me a baby moose today. well, and picture of one. he's slleeeeping. he's very sweet. she sent it to me to cheer me up. she also reminded me to take twelve deep breaths. between her and sark and my break from hell, i'm well on my way.... aawwww...

i don't want to give up yet.

2007-08-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

i really don't know where to begin. i stay frustrated most of the time. i try to be patient, but then something or someone tries my patience.... i need something. i'm not sure exactly what it is... well, maybe i do...

to learn to meditate.

to go on more walks.

to eat better.

to learn to give myself a break.

to say no when i need to say no.

to feel purposeful.

to become a mother.

to be a better person, wife, friend...

sometimes i just want to be anywhere but here... but where would i go?

i wish i could write poetry. i want to be able to express myself in beautiful language. to let it flow out. be to calm in my heart when i'm done. journaling helps, i think, but not enough.

i miss my dead dog.

i miss my youth. it seems so long ago, yet i'm only twenty-six.

i miss sitting outside at night and looking up at the stars. there are too many bugs and spiders at our new house to comfortably do that now. maybe in the fall or winter....

i miss being pregnant.

i miss the relationships i used to have with friends... and family.

i need some direction. some beautiful inspiration....

[ in bed ]

2007-08-23T07:19:00.001-07:00

for the first time in a long time, wednesday night dinner at my in-laws was actually really fun. we were celebrating my mother-in-laws birthday with chinese take-out and belgian chocolate cake from the fresh market. it was divine. my husband and his two brothers were a riot all together. it seems that lately everyone is stressed and a little wrapped up in themselves or their own families, but last night everyone was pretty uninhibited and it was wonderful. i almost never stopped laughing all thru dinner. even despite the fact that my sister-in-law had just called saying she was having some sort of incredibly bad contraction (almost four months before the baby's due, so that's bad!) and my other sister-in-laws rabbit died.....

after dinner, but before desert, we opened our fortune cookies. my oldest brother starts the "in bed" fortune cookie game. in all of the seven years i've known him, he's never done this. here's my fortune:

"life to you is a dashing and bold adventure [in bed]."

i have to say mine was the funniest... no actually my father-in-law's was funniest.... his said something about earning a lot of well deserved money [in bed].

aahh, every wednesday should be like yesterday.

also, i didn't mention yesterday that i have been asked to be in a friend's wedding next may! i got all excited that she wants us to wear black dresses because that means that i'll actually be able to get some use out of it again... then i realized that i might HOPEFULLY be pregnant by then and i'll have to get a maternity dress... that i probably WON'T be able to wear again. ggrr... just a side note.

ramblings for the day...

2007-08-22T14:16:00.000-07:00

okay, so i'm def not pregnant. that's okay.

my sunburn has blistered and peeled.... still peeling a little.

work makes me feel like a train wreck.

i need a real vacation. one that's more than a night. one on which i make good decisions - starting with putting on sunscreen BEFORE going in the sun. lesson learned. (i hope.) october seems awfully far away.

i think my sky light is leaking.

i always forget what i'm going to look at/look up while i'm online until after i've signed off. i also so this when i'm in a music store. i forget what i like when i am faced with rows and rows of alphabetized CDs.... dumby.

i want to drop everything and go see my (ex) cousin (in law). she's lonely.

i wish i knew what to do about cousin. i thought he was ignoring my letter. then i rec'd the unopened letter back - a month and a half later. it never got to him b/c of how it was addressed... i think my aunt gave me the wrong address. dumby. i wrote it back in june. i got i back a couple weeks ago. it's still sitting on the little table in my living room. do i mail it again in a new envelope? do i write a whole new, fresh letter? do i chuck it in the trash and say fuck it. he probably won't respond either way. i always wished he would. (not just to this... to everything.)

my mother-in-law's birthday was yesterday. she is 56. i missed it. my husband missed it too.

one of my best friend's daughter's birthday was also yesterday. she turned one. i missed it too.

it's like i was so caught up in myself that i forgot it was the 21st. wtf?

i feel compelled to clean out and repaint the future nursery now. i think that once i know i'm pregnant, i probably shouldn't do things like climb on chairs to reach the corners of the room, or move heavy furniture around, or smell paint fumes. most people would say to have my husband do those things, but those types of things are the things that i really want to do. and, in all honesty, i don't trust that he will be really really neat and careful, and i will end up disappointed in his work. i know that's terrible, but i have really high standards when it comes to aesthetics, and he has a tendency to be messy.... is that enough of an excuse to jump the gun (so to speak) and start the painting/decorating? probably, right? is it bad karma to decorate before i really have a reason to?

will someone explain "string theory" to me? i think that it may be an uber sciency concept closely related to the small set of spiritual beliefs i have.... i know that seems twisted, but after reading my cousin's blog, i think there may be some correlation.... i should just ask her.

speaking of spirituality, i need some.

i am really looking forward to reading my new book. i bought two new books with the gift card my sister-in-law gave me for my b-day. it's about an autistic little boy whose mother dies. it's about his perspective after loosing her and how he and his family cope. tragic right? i know. that's why i want to read it. i'm fascinated with the resilience of the human being and the study in general of the human condition. the inner workings of why people do what they do. i like to understand everything. i like to read things that break my heart a little. is that normal?

i saw the sweetest shirt on a pregnant woman today. it was navy blue with green writing. it had a drawing (also in green) of a pea pod with peas. above the pod was "i have two peas in my pod." so, she's expecting twins, obviously. i'm so happy for her. and a little sad for me. cute ass shirt. i would like just one pea in my pod, please! Ü

i totally forgot what i was going to write next.... i guess that means it's time to stop rambling.

i need to get my life in order. how do i do that?

random side note, here's my garden. flowering cedum and sweet potato vine.

fears realized.

2007-08-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

so, i do have a UTI. boo. that means that the frequent uriniation is probably just the UTI, and nothing more. i won't really know for a couple days, but i feel like i already know that the answer is "no." and according to the doctor's scale today, i'm fatter. double boo. not to mention the sunburn.....

saturday, i went to the beach with my friend - and it was proving to be a great, relaxing day after we finally got a hotel room. picked up lunch on the way to the oceanfront, ate on the beach... mid 80's, nice breeze, exhausted girl... equals accidentally falling asleep on the beach before applying the sun screen. my whole back resembles a lobster, in color, and the backs of my legs are almost as dark - with extreme pain in the creases of the backs of my knees... not a fun day at work today - and i'm sure tomorrow will be just as bad. the beach was beautiful tho. see....

ggrr

2007-08-10T13:17:00.001-07:00

so, i need to get over the fact that NO ONE reads this, but me, and i need to stop hoping that someone will post a response... ugh.

i am afraid that i am not pregnant after all. i took a test way too soon, and i knew it was too soon, but i did it anyway, and it came back negative, of course.... even tho i know it's totally irrational to make a judgement from this, i can't help but believe it. also, i don't have the little hard knot feeling in my stomach that i had whien i was pregnant before. and the frequent peeing may very well be due to the beginnings of a UTI. it doesn't quite feel like a UTI yet, but.... i dunno.

so, i'm going on a trip with my friend this weekend that's long overdue. a girls outing. i think we're going to the beach tomorrow morning and staying the night. it should be fun. i wish i knew whether i could drink or not. ggrr.. it should be fun.

i want to get plans laid down for my trip to philly to visit my cousin. i think they might get pushed back a little further because i just had another part-timer quit on me. i still hadn't recovered from the loss of the first one leaving. sometimes i really hate being in charge.

quandary

2007-08-05T18:50:00.000-07:00

so, either i am experiencing extreme gas from the onion rings and fiesta lime chicken i consumed at applebee's, or i am having early stage uterus crampies - indicating that i'm pregnant.... i either want to know that it's happy uterus crampies, or i want the gas to go away. please, one or the other!

give me a sign...

baby envy is a terrible thing. my sister-in-law is having the baby girl i wanted.

keep you're fingers crossed

2007-08-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know what i'm expecting. after one anonymous blog, i am anxiously hoping that someone has posted an answer to my incredibly vague non-question. i am actually disappointed that i have no responses. sadly, i know how irrational this is, yet, i'm still sad.

i got a slight uncomfortable twinge of pain in the general region of my uterus yesterday. i'm hoping that i'm pregnant. at the same time, i'm afraid that i'm pregnant because that means that we could get excited about it again, just to miscarry again... i can tell that i'm still ovulating - and we're still trying - so, hopefully this one will take... and stay... i want to a baby shower last weekend. i wanted so badly to be my friend - even tho it's hot and she's kinda miserable. i was envious. and sad. when i left, i felt the need to go to barnes & noble to buy some books - to console myself. plus. my sister-in-law is pregnant now too. we were going to be pregnant together. she's due in mid december, and i would have been due in early february. so, now to hear about her pregnancy makes me excited and jealous and lonely. it's just me. it should be me and my baby, but it's not. we should be painting the nursery at the end of the hall, but to paint it now would make us look like crazy people. i want to paint it green or yellow or green and yellow... something soft and unisex. i want to start buying things, like the crib, but i know how premature that is. it would have been normal if i was still pregnant... if we get pregnant again this time, the baby should be born the end of april. i'm hoping. mom was 26 when she had me... and i'll be 26 next week. it's time.

i have to go back to work today. i am working with a sweet girl. she's leaving me. she has been given a better opportunity with another company and would be stupid not to take it... but i will miss her. this will be our last shift together...

i'm sad. and tired. i need to go buy my husband some new pants for work. blah. i'll go do that. geez, i'm trying to be strong and accept my situation, but some days my heart and/or my horomones get the best of me. i need a chiropractor too. my back and neck are killing me. boo.

here [ i ] go

2007-07-27T10:24:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure what i'm doing here. i'm prepared to bare my soul to anyone that will listen.... but i am also not quite sure if i am capable of such a feat...

maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen...

i love tori amos.

i love my husband.

i love my dog.

i love my house.

i love books.

i like feeling important.

i miss my friends.

i wish i had a sister.

i wish my family wasn't such a mess.

i want a baby born in february.

i want to feel like my college degree wasn't earned in vein.

i want to help people.

i want to like my body.

i want to like myself more.

i want to be able to be honest all of the time.

i want to have someone to lean on.

i feel a little lost.

i need to find purpose.

guide. me.